A Letter to My Late Husband

My dearest husband,

It's been 45 days I cannot touch you anymore. I can only come to your grave to touch the stone with your name written on it. When can I touch you again?

I really miss daily life with you. I'm longing for your voice asking me to make another cup of coffee for you. I miss gossiping about some random persons with you. I miss looking at you play with our cats. I'm longing for everything about you.

Don't you miss looking at my facial expression everytime you come home bringing some ice cream or fruit salad for both of us to enjoy together? Are you not longing for the sound of my laughter after you crack some jokes? Do you not miss my cooking of your favorite food? You always know that my 'sambal tempe' is yummy.

Anyway, how are you now up there? I hope you're always accompanied by many loving souls. You already meet you elder brother and your parents, right? I'm sure you have a good time up there.

And down here on earth, I'm still grieving. But I'm trying to survive my life here because I know that you want me to have a good life here on earth. I'm not lying when I say that I often feel I have no energy to get through the day. However, I can still survive.

Please don't mind if I still talk to you at home. I pretend that you are still here. I just assume that you can hear me talking about anything to you. Yesterday I even got angry at you because I couldn't find your left earbud. You must have dropped it somewhere before I brought you to the hospital that night.

I don't know when my time comes, but please promise me that you'll be waiting for me up there. Thoughts and prayers from me are always for you every day and night with the hope that we'll never lose connection. So when my time comes, you'll directly welcome me. Then we'll be together again. 

Questioning Death

It has always been in my mind since I was a child to think about the end of death. Until now, it always makes me dizzy. It is unthinkable what the end of death is. The end of life is so crystal clear: death.

Based on the teaching of my religion, the concept of death is clear. Correct me if I am wrong, what I understand is that every spirit is waiting for the final day. They are waiting somewhere at a very broad magical land. They are waiting for the doomsday when we, the living, are eradicated from the earth, ready or not.

Nothing is eternal. Yes, that is true. But it means that nothingness is an eternity. In other words, the end of eternity is nothing. Everything in the universe comes from nothing. So, what controls the nothingness and the creation of everything? Not one genius can think about it, unless they are equipped with a holy knowledge. And what I always believe that God creates everything. God makes everything become nothing. God makes nothing become everything.

And God reminds me of coming back to Him when death comes to someone I love. The death of my husband prepares me for my death to come. Since the day my husband passed away, everyday has always been griefs and prayers. There is always some hope that my late husband knows that I always miss him. 

How to Practice Gratitude

Practicing gratitude is easier said than done if we are not used to doing it. Yes, it is a habit. Doing a habit is easy because it is autopilot. And because practicing gratitude is a good habit, it is even much more difficult to start. 

Let me make this a bit clearer. When we are starting to do something hard as a routine, like waking up early, doing the housework, or workout, it certainly feels heavy. On the second day, we really want to quit. However, when we are usually coming to work on time for example, and then one day we suddenly come late, we have an urge to come late again just to try. And I assure you it feels good because there is a feeling of freedom; free from a routine, free from obeying the rule. Then if we make it as a habit, we don't need a longer time to create it as a habit.

Don't you think it is weird when it feels hard to create a good habit while it feels so easy to make a bad habit? Though calling it as good or bad needs different points of view, we can still agree that gratitude is something good. And, yes, it is rather hard to practice it every day. That is because human minds are full of big, busy thoughts. Then, of course, because gratitude is something small, it is unthinkable to practice.

So, how should we practice gratitude until it becomes our habit? Should we follow some random motivators telling us some steps to practice gratitude? Yes, perhaps we can. However, we fail to proceed just because we suddenly know that those motivators are not as great as we think. We get disappointed knowing that our role models (a.k.a. those motivators) are just a normal human being. They don't do what they say. So we stop practicing.

Or should we force ourselves to make schedules to practice? For instance, we say energetically: "Thank God I'm still alive!" every time we wake up in the morning. That is a good idea to do. It can energize us to do our activities for the whole day. We undoubtedly hope that we wake up fresh every morning. And saying that utterance is easy when we wake up fresh. It will be totally different if we have so many problematic thoughts the night before. Can we wake up fresh the next morning? I don't think so. And of course we have no time to think that we should say: "Thank God I'm still alive!"

Anyway, at least we are aware that we are still alive. That is a good start to practice our gratitude. In any circumstances, good or bad, happy or sad, we can still express our gratitude for life to still be alive.

Quiet Quitting or Work-Life Balance?

The phrase "quiet quitting" really is ridiculous for me. I don't know who made that phrase famous, but I am sure that person who made it famous has some problem with work-life balance. And I'm sure that he works not for a manufacturing company as a machine operator or production staff. That person is, perhaps, dedicating himself for a job dealing with data, system, or customer. 

Because of the full dedication, there is a big possibility that his bosses prefer him to other staff. They really count on him because he is very capable of making things right for the company. Therefore, every time the company is in need for a quick fix, the boss will go straight to him as the savior. The boss doesn't give a damn if it's already his time to go home. Like some bosses say: Good careers are all about dedication and loyalty.

A wise decision when dealing with our job is just to do it based on the job description. That's enough. We don't need to show off our intelligence and effort if it is not our job description. It is not about avoiding work load; it is about maintaining our mental health while at work. 

By focusing on only doing our job at work, we can manage our own time at work. We don't force ourselves to work harder when we know it is the time to break for lunch and prayer. We also don't prolong our time to break and pray on purpose just because we want to relax longer while at work. And when it is the time to go home, we should go home soon because we have our personal life outside of work. If we intentionally go home later than the work time, we are considered bad at time management. Or maybe we are considered to not have a happy life outside of work😬

Who doesn't want to have a work-life balance? If we have a career, the work time is given to us to do and finish our job perfectly. If we have a business, we can regulate our own time to focus on doing our business. Outside of the work time or the business time, it is advisable that we enjoy our personal life or family life.

When dealing with career, we have the bosses and the supervisors who always control and manage us. As a worker and we are forced to work beyond our limit (they call it multitask), the management should give compensations in exchange for our time and energy. If the management doesn't give any compensations, there must be something wrong with the management system. However, if we say no to that multitasking assignment, we will be considered doing a quiet-quitting by the management team, while, in reality, we just want to have a good mental health while at work.

And, perhaps, something else worse might happen. After knowing that we work just to focus on our job description, the management team may think that we are quietly quitting. Then we will be put in a list that the management team will be quietly firing😆

Let us just hope that we are enjoying our career in a place where the management team are not quietly firing us just because we have a strong principle of work-life balance.

Childless or Childfree?

 There are always stages of changes when deciding about your life. Well, it is not about making decision. I would rather call that as accepting. On one stage of your life you decide to do plan A. But because plan A is not working, then you decide plan B. Then plan B results in zero. Are you going to go through C to Z? Maybe yes if you want to get cranky and depressed. Or you stop; either to feel hopeless or just want to swallow that fact and live with it.

When a woman decides to get married, naturally she will want to have children. However, she must realize that not all women are easily getting pregnant. One woman can wait only one month after the wedding to know that she is pregnant successfully. Another woman must wait for the pregnancy longer than one year, even years. She either has to force herself to get pregnant by using the medical technology or chooses to finally not have a child. 

The woman who can finally have a child with the help of modern technology will feel happily relieved because she can look like a normal woman in the eyes of the society. That normality is what the society hopes from a woman. Meanwhile, the woman who has not been pregnant within years of marriage and who finally decides to be childless (no adoption whatsoever) will be regarded as imperfect by the society. Then how will that woman react? She must choose either to care less or live in despair.

There is one young, famous influencer from Indonesia who doesn't need to wait for a long time to make a decision to have children or not and is so proud of being childfree. I myself don't have problems with that. I will, however, consider her as a big, serious problem if she thinks that being a woman with children is a bad idea and encourages all young women who follow her to be childfree. But, I must understand that her job as an influencer is to influence her followers. It's up to her followers whether to do what she says or to disagree with her. 

And for me, a forty four year old, married but childless woman, to say that a woman is childless or childfree depends on the perspective. From my perspective, a woman saying that she is childless shows that she actually wants to have a child, but can finally accept the fact that she cannot be pregnant or adopt a child. If a woman says that she is childfree, she shows her true self of being a woman who needs to be stress-free from the existence of a child in her life. 

What about you? How will you label a married woman who doesn't have a child? Childless or childfree? How you will label her will define how you face your life, how you view life, and how you make important decisions for your life.

The Absurdity of Oversharing

Every time I get informed about some random people's personal lives being on the news; local, regional, or even national, I cannot stop thinking about their life. Are they feeling comfortable while their personal lives are being consumed by society? Or are they feeling proud of being famous? 

Years ago when the internet was not for everyone, personal life stories were shared between family members, close friends, or neighbors. They were trusted that they would not share the stories to people outside of the circle. Those who were not in the circle were not supposed to hear the stories. Personal lives, therefore, remained personal.

And not to forget about celebrities' personal lives, years ago not many people really cared about their idol's personal life. They chose to care about admiring his/her work in the field of music, movie, or art. If they wanted to dig deeper about his/her personal life, they had to buy some magazines or newspapers. Or they waited for a TV program airing celebrities' life stories. From what I remember, TV programs about celebrities' lives in the old days were aired not as often as these days.

Nowadays, when the internet is unlimitedly accessible for everyone, we are forced to consume the personal lives of either celebrities or ordinary people. Though we are not interested in one celebrity, we might stumble across an article, or at least a trashy clickbaiting headline discussing that celebrity's personal life. And it is an eyesore!

The worst part is when TV stations and online media are bombarding us with tragic, bad news about ordinary persons' personal life. From the case of adultery to domestic violence, it all starts from the persons' careless decision to post it on social media. And, of course, that social media post can be a 'valid' source for those infotainment journalists to produce news. The more sensational the news they produce, the more clicks they will get, and the more money will come to them. 

To be honest, it's a good thing when we like to write and we can make money from our writing. And, in fact, the internet is one of the best places for persons who have a passion to write. However, it will be much wiser if they choose some better topics to write; not just some crappy stories about someone's embarrassing misfortune.

Now, don't you think that some people are so absurd that they over share their dirty laundry on social media? What is their purpose in doing so? Do they need supports from their followers whom they mostly don't recognize? Or do they want to be famous by sharing a sensational story about their personal life?  

For me, over sharing on social media is pointless. Let me keep my dirty laundry for myself. And let me finish it without asking for attention online.

Problems Happen

We often experience some mental fatigue when everything seems to go out of our control; the missed deadlines, the angry customers, the unfinished housework, the toxic relationships, and some other problems of life. 

How happy our body when we feel very tired after doing restless physical activities. Our body really knows its function to sense its power limit. Our body also absorbs every positivity from a good quality of rest.

However, the situation will be quite different when we are mentally exhausted. Our body feels the urge to burst out and we are not able to enjoy our rest. I know that feeling all too well. And I know why it happens to me. One clear cause is that I force myself to multitask. I am not a qualified person to do multitasking stuff, and when I force myself to do it, I get burnouts.

Anyway, when we are still alive, problems will always happen. Those problems are what make our life worth living. They will make us stronger and wiser as long as we don't run away from them. It is a good thing to choose to deal with our problems because that makes us human. Human beings are always allowed to choose options when dealing with their problems. They are allowed to make bad decisions.

So, when you are still breathing, just accept the fact that problems, easy or difficult, will come to you. Enjoy your time when facing them before you come to your final destination: death.

2020-2021

I have no idea about the way I think of 2020 and 2021, but I feel as if those two years didn't happen. I guess the pandemics played a big role why that happened to me. I don't recall many important things I have done in those two years, except the fact that I had to prepare so many complicated things concerning online teaching.

When I talk to some friends of mine about the 2020 and 2021 that didn't really happen, some agree with me. They think that those two years feel like dreams. This is perhaps because we were at home too often when pandemics hit. We didn't remember doing important things in those years.

I read some random articles about conspiracy theories that the years of covid pandemics were just simulation🤣. Well, maybe those conspiracy theorists were right after all because we human beings were experimented by the "higher power" to suffer from covid to know whether we were strong or not. Those who were not strong were eliminated by death, and those who were strong were told to be vaccinated.

And that's when the big pharmas win. So, let me just think that the big industries of pharmacies were responsible for making those two years feel like nothing. They were probably wanting those two years as simulation. And now they can predict the human behaviour when  facing pandemics. 

The human behaviour is predicted to be easily controlled when they are in fear. They also have the tendency to be very obedient when they are faced with government rules. They wear a mask not because they want to be free from covid; but because they want to avoid the sanction. 

They agree to be vaccinated THREE times not because they don't want to be infected by covid; but because they need to get access to public facilities: malls, train stations, government bureaucracies. They need vaccines because they want to apply for a job. They need vaccines because they want to be able to meet their big families for Eid al Fitr.

What a nice collaboration of big pharmas and every government in this world: to keep human beings healthy and to make them more obedient to the government.

Living for Life

Deep down, I often feel that this year 2021 moves very fast. There have been so many unexpected things happening in this year. 

Those unexpected things really influenced the way I look at situations and people. Some people don't realize that they show their true colours when they behave in a certain way, or when they talk about some trivial stuff.

When a certain situation forces people to do what they hate doing, maturity has begun its process to them. Like it or not, they have to face and do the process. And when out loud shouts and curses come out of their mouth, that is very humane.

Anyway, as human beings, we have a responsibility to live this life. I suppose there is not an obligation to live this life like angels. Angels don't have bodies; in other words, they don't live physically. And that means angels won't be able to make mistakes because there's no brain and body that can "facilitate" them to make mistakes.

We, humans, on the other hand, have a brain and a body that can "help" us to do stupid things, to think rationally when making decision with the consequences of hurting others' feeling, and to create chaos.

Whatever weaknesses that we have, we must live this life to the fullest. Let's never stop being humble and kind, let's ignore those who are toxic, let's learn from our mistakes when we make them.

2021 will end very soon. 2022 will feel very fast, pandemics or not, if we live our life to the fullest, facing whatever comes to us with our brave heart.

Why Should I Write?

I have some necessary reasons why I use this blog platform to write. At first when I decided to write on this platform, I felt that I needed some extra care for my busy mind. So I used this to express my emotion. 

After an article of a random topic based on my feeling was finished, I felt quite relieved. But at that time, I was not so sure whether my feeling relieved was because of my ability to finish making an article or the success of transferring my difficult emotion.

Simply put, let me be honest about why I should write. First, I want to train my focus on doing just one thing. It sounds cliche, but it is rather difficult to do.

Second, I feel the need to maintain my mental health. And this really does wonder. I always feel cleansed after I finish making one article.

My other reason is about being productive. I love my mind, and I want me myself to recognize how I think. And the most important thing is that I never force my mind to be productive. 

Then, if I have the urge to write, I directly go here. 

Eid Al Adha Sacrifice: What I Learn

I am not exaggerating myself if I say I don't enjoy every Eid Al Adha celebration. Yes, I enjoy the takbir. Yes, I also enjoy the day off from work because of the holy day. But I can't stand imagining how those sacrificed animals (cows and goats) feel the pain when they know they're going to die.

Well, according to what I have read about the mechanism of slaughtering those animals, they won't feel any pain. But still, it always breaks my heart when I look at their faces one day before the slaughter day.

I am not the right person to ask about the details of Eid Al Adha stuff. So, I won't detail that. What I want to focus on is my personal perspective about what I learn from the sacrifice.

First, I learn about how to let go things we really love. This letting go is not because we lost them or somebody else took them. This letting go is us willingly giving the things to somebody else; in this case to the sacrifice charity. The after effect of us doing that will be so significantly empowering. It empowers us to be easily strong when the other things we love have to be gone.

Secondly, it is all about compassion. For me, compassion to animals is the truest one. When we show compassion to other human beings, that is not extraordinary. But when our compassion is given to animals, I think not many people can do it. They either hate touching them or have some phobias. 

Showing compassion to farm animals (cows, goats, etc.) is by treating them like we treat our dear pets. The difference is the purpose. We take care of our pets so that we can grow old with their company. We take care of our farm animals so that our needs of meat consumption is fulfilled. This sounds very selfish and cruel, but that is what farm animals are for.

To be honest, I am not a fan of meat. But as an omnivore, I need to consume meat. Occasional consumption for me is a wise choice. And because of human need for meat, too, my husband often says that raising cows is a promising business. But not for me. My disagreement is because of  my uncontrollably too-much compassion for animals. Like what is happening at this moment while I am typing this: shedding tears thinking about the animal slaughtering.

Eid Mubarak for everybody, may our sacrifice deepen our compassion for all creatures.

My Three Favorite Scents

I feel I have a very strong sense of smell. This morning at home, I could directly smell a dead rat. Few nights before, when I was in front of my house, I suddenly smelled something like the smell of cow poop while, in fact, I don't have any neighbors who raise cows. My husband jokingly said that maybe there was a ghost passing by because he did not smell anything. A few days ago, while preparing some menus for suhoor, fishy smell of blood struck my nose while I was waking my husband up in our bedroom. Some other ghosts, maybe.☺I once also smelled some random dead animal in the office where I work. At that time, I was the only one who could smell that. When I asked some janitors to search for that smell, they finally found a dead lizard under a cardboard box. The staff sitting near that box amazingly did not smell that dead lizard.

Thanks to my ability to be very sensitive with disgusting odors because I can also feel grateful for my being able to detect nice scents. There are very many kinds of nice scents from flowers to freshly baked cookies. Who doesn't love those scents? Everyone loves them. But I have three favorite scents which I think some persons will love, too.

1. The earthy scent from the rain falling on dry soil

It's refreshingly surprising to know that I am not the only one who loves that scent. The first time I started to like this scent, when I was still young, I felt weird. I questioned myself, "Why do I like this strange smell?" It turns out that some people like to smell that, too. Therefore, when I miss that scent in dry season, I often water the dry soil in my yard just to get that scent.

2. The freshly cut grass

Either in rainy season or dry season, the scent of the grass right after being cut is always indescribably nice. I don't let my front yard be paved. I grow grass instead. It actually consumes much time and energy to cut those grasses with shears when they grow taller, but the nice scent is worth the price. 

3. The brewing coffee in the morning

My morning routine is to drink coffee. I like drinking coffee because I fall in love with the scent of the coffee when the hot water is poured into the cup or mug. And that must be in the morning. When I smell the brewing coffee in the evening, for example, it doesn't smell as special as the morning coffee. Perhaps because I really need to open my eyes to start the day. And the brewing coffee scent can always wake me up.

Two Lessons I Get from Wearing A Mask

Before the pandemic, I wore a mask when I rode my motorcycle, having a long trip, to protect me from dirty air and strong wind. And right now, because of the pandemic, I have to always wear it, especially when seen in public. Aside from the reason to follow the health protocol, I do that since I have to be obedient to the government. It's always a torture for me to wear a mask when I need to be clear about things I say. Or, it's also a torture to try to understand what other people say while they are wearing a mask.

It's been more than a year for us to not forget to wear a mask. Some people say they are comfortable wearing it; some others still struggle to get used to wearing a mask. For me, either it is a year or forever, this due-to-pandemic habit will always make me in despair. Breathing is one problem. Not revealing our true whole face is another problem.

However, thanks to the pandemic, I get some important things that I can learn from this mask wearing thing. The thing about keeping healthy is just nonsense for me. How can I keep my health if one important thing for my health, the oxygen, is blocked by a mask? Those important things I get is all about life learning.

Firstly, I need to realize that not being myself (or with the mask on) must require much energy. It is always tiring for me when I have to cover half of my face to meet other people and to talk with them. In life, when I am with people, I have to hide my true self. It's not about being untrue to myself; it's only for the sake of successful communication. Then, in the end, I feel fatigued. Perhaps, other type of people will, instead, feel energized after having spent so much time communicating with people. But not me. With my nose and mouth blocked by a mask while trying to succeed a communication, it is certainly energy-draining for me. 

Another thing I learn from wearing a mask is about getting the true freedom when I become myself; in other words, I feel totally free when without a mask. I can be so much free, being the real me, when there's no one around me. With the use of mask, I can be very thankful for the chance of experiencing how terribly hard it is to block a precious thing, the oxygen, coming into my body.

Three Things to be Aware of When You Get Angry

It is not uncommon when you face a situation which can trigger your anger. That situation can be as silly as an unimportant misunderstanding or as serious as a betrayal. You have a right to be disappointed when somebody or something really disappoints you. You also have a right to feel unworthy when someone underestimates you. And when your anger arises because of that, it can be assumed as your mechanism to defend yourself.

Therefore, because of your being easy to feel various feelings, including those feelings that can trigger your anger, there are three things that you should be aware of when your sudden urge to get angry arises:

1. What is exactly your primary feeling?

You need to analyze what is actually happening to your emotion. You are not just suddenly becoming angry at once. There must be something that unconsciously is making you angry. Are you undervalued by one person? Or are you feeling deceived by one person?

2. Do you "explode" in the right manner?

Once you can identify what primarily is happening to you, you can express your anger to the right person wisely (or you can choose not to express that with the risk of unhealthy anger management plus it hurts, too). "Explosion" in the right manner is communicating your problem with the person with whom you have the problem. It also means that you don't have to stay away from the people who are close with that person. Just because you have a problem with person A, doesn't mean that you need to limit your interactions with those people who are close with person A.

3. Do you "finish" your anger?

It is good to acknowledge about you yourself the way you deal with your anger. Just ask yourself after some attempts in expressing your anger. Is your "mission" completed or aborted? Because when you let it be unfinished, there will be some remaining hidden "energy" that can brutally explode one day. 

(Those three are inspired by a true event.)

To Love is to Risk Your Heart

Discussing love is always fascinating. I am not talking about romantic love specifically. I am talking about universal love. 

When you let yourself be in love, you actually risk your heart to be vulnerable. When in love, it will be so vulnerable that you cannot hold your tears of happiness or sadness.

How happy you are when your loved one gives you something precious, or cooks you dinner, or fixes your broken glass. How happy you are when your dear cat looks healthy and always plays with you and snuggles you. 

But then, how sad you are when your loved one betrays your trust. How sad you are when your lovely cat is found dead in front of your house the moment you go home from work. 

If you just want to get those happy moments when you are in love, that's selfish. If you are not ready to experience those sad moments, you're immature. If you don't let your heart be in love, you don't need to be a human.

So, when you love, you must be prepared for all the risks that may break your heart apart. But that is what makes you human. To have a broken heart is a part of being a human.

And please remember, Brian May told you to not let love kill you because you have it too much. Too much love will kill you.

However, you will kill your heart if you don't love. In other words, if you don't let yourself love somebody or something, your heart will be as dead as a stone. Yes of course you will never be broken hearted, but you will never feel the beautiful sensation of a blooming flower inside your heart when you are in love.

Just spread your love and let your heart take all the risks.

My Simple Guide to Reach Inner Peace

Right now, when I am typing this, it is raining in the night and there is a power outtage. It might be depressing for some people to deal with this situation. Those, who are really in need of the electricity to handle their stuff; cooking, making reports, watching tv, will perhaps shout outloud, blaming the situation.

Because I don't have anything important or unimportant to do, this situation is perfect for me to just do nothing (except typing this article of course). While doing nothing, it feels so good to only listen to any kinds of sound during this dark night. The sound of the vehicles passing by can be heard. 

But that kind of sound is not my interest. It feels very much better if I just focus on the sound of the dripping water and the sound of the many frogs. Yes, that's my simple guide to be peaceful inside. I just use one of my senses, my hearing sense, to enjoy this. 

And it's very true that I can get that peace of mind. I don't have to be so anxious about not doing what should quickly be done. If you think that this guide is not as simple as it seems, it's just because you are not accustomed to choosing to hear what soothes your ears. It's just a matter of taste, then. If your ears' taste is to hear random, mundane sounds, then inner peace is unreachable.

You Have Your Own Reasons

It's never failed to amaze me every time I know people whose interest is totally different from mine. The way they talk about their interest or do it often makes me excited or disgusted; depending on the kinds of interest. 

When talking about entertainment, Korean drama and Korean music lovers are always super enthusiastic. When talking about sport, football lovers talk about their favorite team as enthusiastically as Korean lovers do. 

Like it or not, sooner or later what our friends consume can also become our consumption. With their stories about their consumption of Korean dramas or football matches, we probably get intrigued to also check them out. 

If, later on, after some curiosities while checking out some of the stuff, we finally come to a point where we like or dislike that stuff. We like it because our friends like it and surprisingly that is actually our interest too. We just haven't realized it before. 

If, in fact, we dislike that stuff, it won't make us dislike our friends. It is as simple as that. Friends or married couple don't have to like similar things. Yes, it's true if they like the same things, the bond can become much stronger. But being different is what makes our communication get better. 

So, when you do a thing, whether you like it because it's your interest or you are forced to do it, you have the reason for that. And I also have my own reason to not do what most people do nowadays. I don't watch soap operas. I don't watch Korean dramas and listen to Korean songs, I don't use social media, I don't listen to mainstream music, my husband and I don't celebrate birthdays and our wedding anniversary is just another ordinary day.

If you think I am weird because I choose to do (and not do) those mentioned above, I will think the same way about you the way you do. I will think that you are weird. However, there doesn't have to be any worries because I don't need to think about how you and others think of me. It's none of my business, and my life is none of your business.

Let's just enjoy our own life.

Feeling like a tree

I am aware that being a pet lover needs some patience. Feeding is one thing. Giving food to my pets has trained me to understand that they have their biological clock. If I am late in feeding them, they will be louder than usual.

Playing time is another thing. I don't need to spend longer time to play with my cats since they sleep for almost the whole day. But hanging out with my little chickens is a totally different thing. Just sitting down under a water apple tree while looking at all my chickens walking here and there near me feels like playing with them.

I often feel kind of silly when I have to sit still while the little chickens are about to come up to my shoulders and head just to rest their butts. 

Maybe they think that I am a big tree and they need my branches to sit on, avoiding the attacks from bigger chickens.

While sitting, they like to clean their own body by picking their feathers and then standing a minute to be able to shake their body, letting all their dirt and dead skin fall on to my body.

They also often peck my face, my hair, my ears, and my clothes. And I just stay quiet because I pretend to be a tree. The longer they sit on me, the bigger the possibility they poop on my clothes. And there I am, dirty and happy. 
 

Trees Communicate

I am going to share a true story about a jackfruit tree. There is one backyard that belongs to my husband's family. No fence separates that backyard with the neighbors' yards. That is normal in the village, plus they have the land certificates to show the ownership of the yards.

The one jackfruit tree there has finally produced its fruit after more than ten years. The first time I saw that tree was in 2010, when I started to live in my husband's big family's house. It was already a big tree at that time. According to my husband, that jackfruit tree actually belongs to one neighbor, but that neighbor planted that tree on my husband's backyard. Whether he did that on purpose or unintentionally, my husband chose not to care. 

Rumors have it that the owner of that tree intentionally planted it on my husband's backyard so that he could manipulate the width of his own yard to become wider with the help of that jackfruit tree's existence. Still, my husband chose not to care.

Long story short, one day that neighbor's son decided to build a bamboo fence along his yard to raise some chickens and geese. Another neighbor, who happens to know about the borders of the yards surrounding, asked my husband to make sure about the right width of the yard based on the certificate before that neighbor's son built the fence.

After some discussion, the fence was finally built and that jackfruit tree was out of the fence. And it means that the width of my husband's backyard is back to normal again, with a jackfruit tree as a bonus.

A few months later something which I think is a miracle happened. Some jackfruits have started to appear on that tree. They grow normally healthy now. That tree is finally able to show that it is still all right after years of no fruit. 

Perhaps it wants to say that humans must not be greedy. If humans become greedy of God's land and nature, they won't get anything except more greed. When that tree is free from the neighbor conflict, it goes back to its nature; producing its fruits for anybody who needs.

 

Why the Urge to Curse

Yesterday there was something that made me upset. One thing that needed to be done for the following week had to be delayed because of a sudden, unexpected request from the person who had the responsibility to do that. It really annoyed me. Then I cursed and cursed.😅

It actually feels good for me to curse when there is something really annoying for me, aside from the concept that I will be condemned to hell if I curse. That is my risk as a human being. However, if I don't do that, there will be something very painful in my chest. Something that I need to let go but I suppress it. It does hurt.

There are some people as old as me, or older than me, who never seem to curse when annoying things happen to them. But when they do express their anger, I will be shocked to witness their rage. They seem to hold so much anger that when it comes out, it just explodes terrifyingly. 

Those people are either still learning some emotional intelligence stuff or always suppressing their so-called negative emotions. I am not sure, but I hope other people won't feel hurt when they see their anger episodes. 

What I always want to come to mind after I curse out loud to nobody is that everything and everyone must be accepted the way they are. I don't have the right to protest or judge. I just need to let things happen naturally. Then after that, I don't have any pains in my chest anymore.